on change in my life  |  AKambal & Yaltawdy


 

Recently so many things have been changing in my life. The most recent change began when God started sending clear omens my way. This is a story about the period before and after this bridge that God has sent to me, as a gift, so I can cross over it, and taste this change as I begin to move.

Before the change that entered my life, I was leading a bitter, lonely and resentful existence, towards everything in my life. I was trapped in this circle of total blindness. I went through the motions that my everyday existence required, but my soul stood still. I had lost any and all traces of leftover faith I had to find my path. I needed a genuine, pure and unconventional force to guide me back to my path. I didn't even know if it could be human.

All that I needed was to consider the greatest mystery of life, that is, the mystery of love. When love enters your life, it enters with an unusual light, which steers itself inside the darkness of the heart, and everything changes, as this light brightens what was entangled in the darkness of your heart. Love is not blind. That saying originated from those who chose to blindfold their hearts from the light of love.

Instead of fear, love gave me courage, Instead of emptiness, love filled my being. Instead of loneliness, love became my constant companion. Instead of the confusion and awkwardness in my life, love gave me meaning, harmony and gracefulness. I was reborn and changed when God sent me a gift. The gift that God gave me came in two stages. The first came disguised as an enormous pain, soon followed by my Anam Cara (Soul Friend) and a strong beam of faith.

There is no pain like the one inflicted upon you from your lover. When you invite this person inside you, inside your life, you leave yourself wide open, and you find yourself alternating between a sense of vulnerability and hope. The hope is that maybe this time, things will be different, things will be right, and this is definitely the one. But life is unpredictable, and so are people.

I believe that if you can overcome each other's dark sides, replacing the resentment and bitterness with belonging and affection, it can be a purifying love, and it will purify you. But when your souls meet only at the point of poverty, what they lack instead of what they possess, it starts you both on the merry-go-round of helpless and negativity.

You need to have positive energy to give others love, and to attract others to your love. Sadly, however, when you carry in your heart the wrecks of past relationships, past losses and pain, whether from relationships or dysfunctional families, and it has not been emotionally digested and dealt with, you find yourself addicted to hurt, as a confirmation of your state as a victim. Or you find yourself addicted to impossible relationships, tormenting yourself and your partner, to keep the chaos going on in your life so as to postpone having to deal with your previous losses, and your present pain. This was my enormous pain. She came but she left me, yet with her departure, along came my bridge, which I crossed on my way here, to San Francisco.

During my painful journey of healing, God changed my life when he introduced my Anam Cara into my life. This person who is now in Egypt, was my teacher, companion and spirit guide. I revealed to this person my hidden and bruised soul. I shared with her my inner self, mind and heart. I wept for days with her when she gently awakened my soul. She taught why we need a balance between giving and receiving.

As much as I need to give love to others, I need to be generous to myself and love myself, in order to be capable of receiving love. She taught me that no distance, space or time can separate you and your Anam Cara. I love you my Anam Cara.

When I endured this enormous pain, and with the help of my Anam Cara, and my acceptance of everything God has planned for me ( Maktoob) I learned that one can be very successful in this world, receive recognition from others, and possess or buy everything that the world can offer you, but you can still be completely lost and miserable.

You may own everything put out for sale, but when you don't know love, then you are the poorest of the poor. If you don't have the light, warmth and vision of love in your heart, you can never really see, understand or celebrate life. No matter who, where or how old we are, our various, diverse and dissimilar paths all have one destination: We all need love.


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