BintElNas: Web of Dreams

Ana Bint Meen   Suhaqiah69


letters should be burned.
burned burned burned.
especially the kind your mother has access to.
and then you should collect the ashes and burn them too.

"dear love, I especially enjoyed eating your cunt last night.
I am the biggest lesbo on earth.
all this time, my mother never knew.
can you say "clueless?!"
I look forward to going to hell with you my love.
save a place for me by the fire.
oh, yes, im burning for a piece of your hot dripping sapphic
oh baby.
I love the way you've perverted me.
I used to be a good girl, but those days are over.
and my mother doesnít know it.
can you say, "hell?"

of course thatís not what was written in that letter.
but thatís what your mother saw.
in reality, it was more like:

"hey babe,
I miss you gorgeous woman.

all of a sudden you turned her world upside down.
and your lover turned yours upside down.
some people just should NOT know.
like your mother.
like all of amman.
can you say "hey thereÖhere, let me throw a landmine into
might as well tell them you robbed a bank.
no, I take that back.
theyd probably handle that better.

so I sorta left home for awhile.
in amman.


she puts my finger under the faucet.
because im not used to peeing in other peoples houses.
works every time.
I still do it sometimes.

so codepency is not as good as it used to be.
the phone rings.
if its someone from my mother, you havent seen me.
except my sibling knows better and they keep calling.
and calling.
ok, just donít answer.
we'll sit here on the couch and look at the pretty phone
we'll put on some cool music, we'll drown the fucker out.

we wake up and its snowing.
the roads are closed.
all it takes is a little snow to shut this city down.
people are just looking for an excuse here, arent they?
I love it.
siesta baby.

amman in the snow.
lesbians in amman in the snow.

I think you took pictures of us outside.
I donít think I ever saw them.
I wonder if they ever came out.
(pun intended)
snow (and our relationship) tend to be difficult to expose
better that there were no pictures.
we were invisible anyway.

it all sounds so cozy.
you and me stuck here, together, trying to fall in love.
outside everything is horrible.
you know, this is jordan.
but inside everything is great.
we are untouchable.
we refuse to let society perpetrate our happy queer bubble.

"you slept with him, didnít you?"
shes been acting funny all day.
good, so now we're having our healthy share of non-
isnt this fun?
donít you feel free?

at least it wasnít a woman.
if it was a woman she did it with, i would be dying of
wouldnít i?
dying, burning, dying.
a man without a face in your room at night.
strange man, strange man, strange man.
you and a strange man.
me and a strange woman.
you and a strange woman.

"sort of."
"what do you mean, sort of? you sort of slept with him?"

so this is what it feels like.

"well, was it fun?"

no answer.
I have to pee.
I definitely have to pee.

"Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline
If you are obsessive-compulsive: Please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependant: Please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities: Please press 3, 4, 5, and
If you are paranoid-delusional: We know who you are and what
want. Just
stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are schizophrenic: Listen carefully, a little voice
will tell you
which number to press.
If you are a manic depressive: It doesn't matter which number you
press, no
one will answer."

books@ is way too adolescent these days.
but they do have fun books on what to record on your

irish pub.
irish pub is stupid.
straight and stupid.
and they even have a bouncer.
can you think of anything more ludicrous?
doesnít amman take itself way too seriosly sometimes?
what do they think this is, Studio 54?

I never danced with you did I?
years later, I had a woman belly dance against me.
damn it felt good.
to die for in fact.
have you ever tried it?
better than toe sucking.

I never miss you.
no thatís a lie.
you never danced with me.
thatís the truth.

I love you.
I love you?
I cheated on you
with women.
you love me?
you hate me.
you cheated on me
with men.

we came out to our parents.
we lived happily ever after.
our parents joined PFLAG.
PFLAG (al-Fuheis-mental-hospital-branch)

we fucked up.
thatís the truth.

what is the scenario?
here we go:
i live in amman.
in a little apartment at the second circle.
the landlord and the neighbours are really supportive of
amman is really big enough and liberal enough and sane enough

for me to
pull this off.

here we go:
my name is     .
and my fathers name is     .
and my family name is     .
we come from     .
I live in amman and im a lesbo.
amman is really big enough and liberal enough and sane enough

for me to
pull this off.

here we go:
i live in amman and im a lesbo.
no, correction, i live in fuheis.
at the hospital.

the jordan times, personals section:

Really Out Ammany Lesbo looking for love in all the wrong
books@, irish, abu steif.
are you ready to take this town by storm?
im 24, my boss treats me like his secretary and I like
dykes who
will be getting married in a few months after the trauma of
dating a
are you the one?

big fag sick of one night stands in raghadan, looking for one
in west amman and other chic-er places in the middle east.
28, well built, educated, good job.
call me.
page me.
write me.
hurry before my mother marries me off.

strange woman looking for strange woman to be invisible and
one night stand with.
possibly long term.
hiking, biking, taking pictures in the snow that dont turn

im not going to irish pub again tonight, gang, sorry...better
to do.
im not holding hands with you in the back of zeid's car and
everything is fine.
this is getting old.

remember the first time we kissed?
that little alley in jabal amman.
then this gang of boys showed up suddenly and you pretended
I was
crying on your shoulder.
you told them I had a fight with my parents.
they fell for it.
it was dark.
it was hilarious.
I could have easily been just crying on your shoulder.
they could have just imagined they saw two women kissing.
god we laughed so hard when they left.
I still laugh years later.
I was actually giggling like crazy on your shoulder while
they were
there and they thought I was sobbing.
you stupid boys.

jordan times, personals section:

missed opportunities

you, the gorgeous woman on the grass at     's party 3 years
me, the one in the pool coming out to your friend.
you looked at me, smiled.
i looked, smiled back.
call me, come dance with me, we won't be dysfunctional this

"hey babe,
I miss you gorgeous woman.
ps. save me a place by the fire"

All illustrations and writing Copyright © 1999 The Author except where otherwise noted.
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